Best Writer in the Twin Cities

Our community newspaper, Roseville Review, is typically pretty dull. It includes the usual variety of local business profiles, high school sports reports and city council updates. However, buried deep within many issues is some of the most entertaining content you’ll ever read.

Whoever writes the police reports for some of the neighboring suburbs is a comic genius. This anonymous scribe takes turns routine traffic stops and domestic “situations” and turns them into brilliant, sarcastic gems. Behold some of his or her recent masterpieces:

A 19-year-old woman learning to drive Oct. 27 at Snelling and Roselawn avenues was arrested for no insurance, no licensed driver on board, and a loose child in a vehicle displaying revoked plates. Good start.

Thieves climbed over a makeshift pile of sheetrock blocking a garage that had no door Oct. 12 in the 3200 block of Country Drive and made off with two bundles of scaffolding. Relish the irony.

Washer and dryer coin boxes were rifled Oct. 31 at an apartment complex in the 100 block of Demont Street. Management estimated the “loss at $3,000-4,000.” That’s a lot of quarters.

You’re displaying license tabs issued to another vehicle, you have no proof of insurance, your registration is expired, what else can go wrong? How about driving after license revocation? An officer began developing writer’s cramp Aug. 16 at Hwy. 280 and Larpenteur Avenue.

Would-be tap dancers climbed up and kicked in the windows of a large excavator at a County Road B2 construction site in late June. Two intoxicated men found in the area with cuts on their ankles and shoe prints that matched those found at the crime scene were arrested. The 23-and 21 year olds, who admitted to being “dumb and drunk,” were charged with felony criminal damage to property.

Knuckle sandwiches were served up the evening of Aug. 8 at a Larpenteur and Snelling Avenue bus stop. A 25-year-old male victim told police he wanted to pursue charges and a 26-year-old man was cited for fifth degree assault.

One thought on “Best Writer in the Twin Cities

Comments are closed.