Comedy

25 Random Things

/ Tim

I typically avoid participating in Facebook chain letters, but I didn’t have much to do this evening and found writing 25 random facts, habits and opinions about myself to be an amusing challenge. As luck would have it, Facebook isn’t letting me save it as a note as the chain letter instructed, so I’m posting it here instead.

  1. I don’t drink coffee.
  2. I hate wedding receptions. If you invite me to your wedding and I RSVP yes, I’m lying. I’ll likely come up with an excuse to skip it at the last minute.
  3. One of the Indigo Girls gave me a disapproving look for wearing a Metallica t-shirt to one of their concerts.
  4. My favorite unexpected Las Vegas celebrity sighting is a three-way tie between Bono, Joe Rogan and Phil Giroux.
  5. I hate conflict but sometimes say things I know will annoy people and may lead to disagreements. What’s that all about?
  6. When I get stressed about work, I dream about the video store job I had in high school and college.
  7. Most of the funny things I say are slightly altered jokes from comedy albums in the late ’80s.
  8. My best friends in high school were girls, resulting in my voluntary attendance at three New Kids on the Block concerts.
  9. I sometimes get jealous of my dogs’ lives. That all goes away when they have to shit outside in January.
  10. My friend Cathy has referred to me as Mr. Bubby for the past 14 years, and I’m not really sure why.
  11. I’ve never lived more than 3.5 miles from my childhood home.
  12. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through college, which means I’m no longer Catholic but have a thing for girls in plaid skirts.
  13. I think the popularity of mobile phones is the worst technological development of my lifetime.
  14. My favorite food was, is and probably always will be toast.
  15. For at least 12 years, my wallet has consisted of a rubber band. I get a new one about every four months.
  16. I miss the Mayte era of Prince’s career.
  17. I find few greater joys than sipping cocktails on my deck with my wife on warm Saturday nights with music from inside the house blasting, dogs playing in the yard and bunnies scampering in the distance.
  18. I had Minnesota Twins season tickets during a couple of their worst seasons. It ceased being fun when they became good and other people started showing up for the games.
  19. I have owned five cars: a Mercury Cougar, two Pontiac 6000s and two Buick LeSabres.
  20. I like swearing. Shit. Fuck.
  21. I really wish this list was only supposed to be 20 random things because it has taken me more than two hours to get this far.
  22. Several times in grade school, I was sent home after vomiting in class. Once I even yacked in the lunchroom, covering Jeff Robertson’s PB&J sandwich with my chunks. In high school, my vomiting moved from the classroom to social events. If I began to feel queasy, I typically went outside to spew. For some reason, I always convinced my friend Dave to come along. He saw me throw up several times. As an adult, I rarely vomit. When I do, it’s directly tied to careless drinking.
  23. When I meet people for the first time, I usually assume they’re idiots and let them try to prove that notion false. It saves a lot of time and disappointment.
  24. When I go to the bank, I’m paranoid security is watching me and thinking I’m about to rob the place.
  25. I had a monster crush on Jessica Alba until she did a movie with Dane Cook

Best Writer in the Twin Cities

/ Tim / 1 Comment

Our community newspaper, Roseville Review, is typically pretty dull. It includes the usual variety of local business profiles, high school sports reports and city council updates. However, buried deep within many issues is some of the most entertaining content you’ll ever read.

Whoever writes the police reports for some of the neighboring suburbs is a comic genius. This anonymous scribe takes turns routine traffic stops and domestic “situations” and turns them into brilliant, sarcastic gems. Behold some of his or her recent masterpieces:

A 19-year-old woman learning to drive Oct. 27 at Snelling and Roselawn avenues was arrested for no insurance, no licensed driver on board, and a loose child in a vehicle displaying revoked plates. Good start.

Thieves climbed over a makeshift pile of sheetrock blocking a garage that had no door Oct. 12 in the 3200 block of Country Drive and made off with two bundles of scaffolding. Relish the irony.

Washer and dryer coin boxes were rifled Oct. 31 at an apartment complex in the 100 block of Demont Street. Management estimated the “loss at $3,000-4,000.” That’s a lot of quarters.

You’re displaying license tabs issued to another vehicle, you have no proof of insurance, your registration is expired, what else can go wrong? How about driving after license revocation? An officer began developing writer’s cramp Aug. 16 at Hwy. 280 and Larpenteur Avenue.

Would-be tap dancers climbed up and kicked in the windows of a large excavator at a County Road B2 construction site in late June. Two intoxicated men found in the area with cuts on their ankles and shoe prints that matched those found at the crime scene were arrested. The 23-and 21 year olds, who admitted to being “dumb and drunk,” were charged with felony criminal damage to property.

Knuckle sandwiches were served up the evening of Aug. 8 at a Larpenteur and Snelling Avenue bus stop. A 25-year-old male victim told police he wanted to pursue charges and a 26-year-old man was cited for fifth degree assault.